DAY 1: May 27, 2014

4:37 pm

Today I smoked one cigarette at about nine in the morning. It's near late afternoon now and I've had none so far. No more cigarettes in the house. I'll take this one day at a time. Today, the goal is just to get through to tomorrow and not buy a new pack. That's it.

I want to remind myself today what my motivations are for quitting smoking:

1. I've been suffering from bouts of anxiety attacks since last year. I really want to rid myself of that, and the way to do it is to quit smoking and start exercising again for real. It's harder for smokers to keep up cardio exercises. If I'm serious about being fit and healthy, I should start by quitting this really, really, really bad habit. I dream of running/jogging/hiking without too much panting, without feeling like I'm 30 years older than my age. That's the goal.

2. I don't want to be a slave to cigarettes and right now I feel like I am. Everytime I'm out with people, I always feel the need to check where I can smoke, if I have enough cigarettes with me in case I run out, and how it's going to be so hard if all the people in the group are non-smokers. I hate that. It makes me feel like an addict, a dirty addict. Why can't I just simply be there with my friends without the need to suck a fag.

3. I want to be healthy inside and out. By that I mean physically and mentally. Cigarettes have affected my health (of course) not just physically but mentally. I can't concentrate without smoking (or at least that's what it makes me feel). My memory has suffered in the past six years. And my skin. Oh my skin. It deserves to be in a separate bullet.

4. My skin. I want to bring back glowing skin. Seriously. I used to have really good skin. Not that I have really bad skin but I can see the big difference. Non-smokers at my age (given normal genes) have clear, glowing skin. While here I am with my sallow, dry, lackluster skin.

5. I want to enjoy things like a normal person and not spiral into someone who associates everything with smoking. Coffee, delicious meals, writing, watching TV, having fun, having a bad day, sex, drinking sessions, wine, milk, fruits, book reading, magazine reading, talking, beach-ing. Everything is almost all tied to smoking and I truly, with all my heart, hate it.

6. I want to look like Jennifer Aniston (at my age). Glowing, healthy, and fit. I would love to run and do yoga on a regular basis.

7. Repeat that. I want to run and do yoga on a regular basis.

8. I don't have to worry about meeting new people and them judging me as a smoker. People do judge. It's one more thing I can do without in my life.

9. It would be the best gift to my parents and my sisters.

10. It would be the best gift I'll be able to give to myself.